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JAPAN / SOCIAL CUSTOMSA FREE GUIDE FROM @MATTJHANNAN

THE UNWRITTEN RULES OF JAPAN

8 SOCIAL CUSTOMS · USEFUL JAPANESE · BEYOND THE BASICS

8CUSTOMS

Invitations, small favors, and the places you keep going back to.

BEYOND THE TRAVEL CHECKLIST

The small stuff.

I want you to actually get to know people while you're in Japan. Go to the little izakaya, the casual place where people eat and drink together, and go back if you like it. Accept a dinner invitation. You start noticing things that don't come up in the usual travel advice, like thanking someone for the same meal twice or everyone doing a closing clap and then continuing to drink.

People do things differently, so ask when you're unsure.

8 customs · 7 useful phrases

FIND WHAT YOU NEED

  1. 01Thank them next time
  2. 02When they say “sometime”
  3. 03Make gifts easy
  4. 04Find the organizer
  5. 05The second party
  6. 06You can relax
  7. 07After an introduction
  8. 08Before you post

01-02 FRIENDS & PLANS

Friends & Plans

01

Thank them next time

The next time you meet is another chance to say thanks.

Someone takes you to dinner or goes out of their way to help you. You thank them that night. When you see them again, mention it: "Thanks again for dinner. That fish was so good."

Japanese people do this all the time, friends included. It shows you remember what they did. Helping you book something or introducing you to someone can be worth mentioning just as much as paying for your food. A quick sentence when you next meet is enough.

02

When they say “sometime”

A friendly invitation can still need an actual plan.

"Let's get dinner sometime" can be a genuine invitation, or a friendly way to wrap up a conversation. Sometimes the person is being friendly without having a plan in mind.

If you want to go, suggest a day: "I'd love to. Are you free Thursday?" A yes or another date gives you something to work with. If it stays vague, leave it there for now. You can still be friendly next time you meet.

This works both ways. If you keep saying "I can't tonight, next time for sure" to an invitation you don't want, the other person may keep asking. They may hear that as 'find another date.' Be kind, but only promise another time if you mean it.

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03-04 BEING INVITED

Being Invited

03

Make gifts easy

Think about what the other person has to do with it.

A box of individually wrapped cookies can be handed around between shifts. A whole cake needs a knife, plates, fridge space, and a moment when everyone can eat it. If you surprise a busy bartender with one, you've also given them a little catering job.

This is a useful detail in Japanese gift-giving: how easy is the thing to receive? For a casual thank-you, choose something small that keeps well. If the person will be taking it home on the train, think about the size. If it's for the whole staff, tell them to share it.

Obviously, if your friend asked you to bring cake, bring the cake.

04

Find the organizer

A casual-sounding dinner can have a very specific reservation.

The organizer, or kanji, may have booked a set course, set a price per person, and given the restaurant a final headcount. "Come for drinks" can mean joining a reservation where your food is already being counted.

Ask what it costs and when they need your answer. Check before bringing another person. If you're running late or can't make it, message the organizer directly instead of assuming they saw something buried in the group chat. They need time to deal with the restaurant, especially if the booking has a deadline for changing numbers.

A late cancellation can still leave a charge. Arriving halfway through doesn't automatically make your place half price, either. Ask what you owe under that booking's terms, so the person who arranged the evening isn't left paying for you.

05-06 OUT WITH FRIENDS

Out With Friends

05

The second party

You can enjoy dinner and head home when it finishes.

At some organized gatherings, someone makes a short speech, everyone claps together, and the evening appears to finish. Then people carry on drinking. This can be a nakajime, a closing that gives the people who need to leave a convenient point to go.

Some stay where they are; others head to a nijikai, the second gathering. You can thank the organizer, settle your share, and head home even if your new friends are going to karaoke. Joining dinner doesn't commit you to the whole night. If you need to leave before the closing, tell the organizer earlier so you can settle up.

If you do stay out in Tokyo, here are the 12 bars I actually go to.

06

You can relax

Sometimes a friend is asking you to speak more casually.

If a friend says you don't need to use keigo, polite or respectful Japanese, you can relax a little. Formality also creates distance, and they may be trying to make you more comfortable.

Keep the Japanese you can manage and loosen up gradually. An older person speaking casually to you isn't automatically the same invitation; the relationship matters.

07-08 LOCAL PLACES

Local Places

07

After an introduction

Ask what a personal introduction lets you do next.

Kyoto's traditional ochaya, which host geisha entertainment, are a specific example of places built around introductions and repeat guests. Knowing the customer helps them arrange the evening, and trust is part of how they operate. An empty seat doesn't necessarily mean you can walk in.

If someone introduces you to a place with an arrangement like this, ask how returning works. Can you book directly? Should you go through them? Is bringing a friend okay?

Most ordinary restaurants and bars work differently. Reservation-only can simply mean they need a reservation. Ask the actual place instead of assuming every small door in Japan requires someone to vouch for you.

08

Before you post

Permission to photograph your drink may stop at your drink.

A bar can be fine with a photo of your drink and still say no to a photo of the room. Some record bars prohibit indoor photography altogether, right down to the cocktail and the record sleeve.

Check the signs first, then ask about the thing you want to photograph. If you're going to post it, ask that too. A yes to photographing your glass doesn't automatically cover a video of the bartender or the couple behind you.

Not every owner wants the free publicity. Some places want to stay quiet. If the answer is no, you can have the drink without documenting it.

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